Where I could be if I were her:

Okay, ok, mother’s day has passed.  Yet again the reality of it all hits home.  I am sad to say that my family is full of the disEASE of addiction.  And funny, but the five of us cover a broad range of drugs of choice.  I being the recovering alcoholic, my brother the active one.  My mom a gambler, and my other brother pills and crack.  My dad was a dry drunk, he is no longer with us.  Wow, at least we are an eclectic bunch.

That brings me to this year’s mother’s day.  She is currently homeless and not a young woman.  She has chosen to ignore the opportunity for safety and security over staying with my 47 year old brother and his 19 year old son in a life of despair and homelessness.  Who would choose that?  I will tell you: an addict, alcoholic, gambler, codependent, and any addictive personality that you can muster up.  Sad, yes!  Very!  

  Yesterday we had very bad rain and lightening.  Out of the thought of her having to catch three buses home from work, then walk about 2 miles home, I decided to try to call her and maybe take her home.  Well, no answer on the cell phone.  Because she gives it to my rockstar no job brother so he can use it all day.  Most likely planning his next (gig), or drug pick up.

So I did not catch her.  This put an amazing picture into my head.  And low and behold, the gratitude came!!  Here is this 74year old woman walking home in the drenching rain, to the current place that they are staying that has no electricity or water.  Heartbreaking……ABSOLUTELY.  In that vision, I started to think about myself in the good running dry car that I was in with the groceries in the other seat.  The tank is full, and I am listening to music on the radio.  I am in my uniform from the job that I have, and I pull up to my apartment where I live with my cat.  How on earth did I manage to get here; when by all rights, and my actions, I should or could be where they are?

I will tell you.  It is nothing other than a small window of hope that slightly opened over 18 years ago.  All that happened was a thought of, maybe I CAN get sober.  The alcoholic number 3 in the bigbook said, “Who am I to say there is NO God?”  It’s like I finally gave myself permission to try.  After trying for five years of relapsing, something happened and I felt different.  I started understanding what people were saying at meetings.  The Twelve Steps didn’t look so scary.  My sponsor genuinely cared about me and wanted to work the steps with me.  I did all twelve steps instead of a few then back out again.  In this process, I met a power greater than me that was able to help me not drink, just for today.  Before I knew it, today turned into years.  I still say to myself, I will not drink today, that’s all I have to do.

The way I was living my life, I should be with my brother, mom and nephew.  That is if I managed to still be alive.  How could I have thought of anything else other than the gratitude I have for being what I feel is a miracle?  Someone like me, with a family crazier than the Tasmanian devil!!!!!

Yes, I am grateful……….I pray for them…..it’s never to late…..they just have to want to remove themselves from the hell that they are living in and ask for help!!!!!  When it comes down to it, that really is all it takes!!!!!!